"Alaska, Alaska? Or city Alaska?"

Chris: No, man. Alaska, Alaska. I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way fucking out there. Just on my own. You know, no fucking watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.
Wayne: In the wild. ?
Chris: Just wild!
Wayne: Yeah. What are you doing when we're there? Now you're in the wild, what are we doing?
Chris: You're just living, man. You're just there, in that moment, in that special place and time.

Since I was young I ve been fascinated by Alaska, its vast open space, its isolationism, its over whelming beauty and adventure. It seems like the perfect place to escape to for self reflection I guess its kind of a generic thought, since there have been thousands of lost souls who have traveled to Alaska in order to find truth or themselves. But Alaska I guess is also a metaphor for me. It symbolizes an abstract place where I can go to escape, to be on my ownm and only worry about myself. Human relationships have always been tough because there is a fear of getting hurt , of letting someone into the depths of your soul and mind. Your most secretive thoughts are exposed and your vulnerabilities are revealed. So I think its easier to put up a wall and to only let people in a little bit.

Its no way to live though, to be so selfish as to not let yourself feel love, to not let others be loved by you. Its not fair to friends and family to have them not experience your true self.... "but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.”

“Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.

Into the Wild will always be my favorite book and film. A part of me will always relate to Chris. He is a character that can be both admired and criticized. Someone who gave out so much love to strangers yet had so much hatred for those who loved him. I ve felt this way at times, pushing the people closest to me away because I felt like I didn't deserve love. One of my favorite scenes from the movie is when Chris is sitting with Rainey and they are watching Jan wade in the water. Rainey is trying to explain the wedge that is starting to form between Jan and him... Chris says "Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past." Chris could be absolutely selfless when it came to passers-by in his life, yet so selfish with the ones who loved him most. I ve always been someone like Chris who is seeking something greater through isolationism and selfishness. Like Chris I believe changes within come from experience, and I ve believed those experiences are best endured alone.

I came to Japan with the mindset that this would be the next step in my great adventure. First Uganda, then Japan, and I could only imagine what was next. But slowly I began to realize how much I appreciated my family and friends back home. I began to understand that my heart was filled with so much love for them, so much more than I was aware of. I have once in a lifetime friendships, people I have known for 25 years. But I took those friendships for granted, I never opened up as much as I should have. I never allowed them into my heart as much as I would have liked. But these friends have always been there for me, they understand me so well. Sometimes I am in awe when I hear them say things that prove how well they know me as a person. I think to myself how to do they know this about me, I ve never shown them that side of me? I also began to realize how much I miss being away from my mother and father. I moved away from home six years ago and it seems like I am only getting farther away rather than closer. I decided very soon that I was coming back home to the states after the year, I decided that I didn't want to live abroad. I was content traveling in the summer and returning home. It was the best of both worlds, I can see the world and always have a place to call home....

Two weeks ago I found out that I don't have a job back home. I was "guaranteed" a job upon my return to Arizona but was informed via email that there are no positions for me. I felt helpless and scared. My whole life came crashing down. Teaching was not just a job it was a career, it was more than a career, it defined who I was. And suddenly I was without that. My whole mind was in shock, for the last 8 months all I wanted to do was to come home, to see my friends, to see my family, and to return to a job I loved more than I knew.

Now I feel I am in life purgatory, I have no idea what this next year will bring. I don't know where i ll end up in a year from now, who I ll be with, or what I ll be doing.